Ryan

I first started having sex when I was 16 years old, I guess it seems like the normal time for gay guys to have their first experience, whether it be with a friend, and older man, or whatever. Growing up, I was always alone, so I always yearned for closeness. I've always been hoping for love, but until that happens I just seem to fall into things. I've always been weak, in some ways I've seen myself as a victim throughout every life situation that I happen to go thru, and for some reason I think I just made that realization.

Anyways, when I was a kid growing up, I went to Sandcastle play center in __________, CA. I don't think it's around anymore, considering I'm a child of the 80s, and the woman who ran it was in her 50s at the time. She made me eat the crusts off my sandwiches, and I hated that bitch. I remember she made one foster kid who went there sit in the bathroom because she refused to smile. Her name was Phyllis Bartlet.

I guess the fist boundaries I ever started to cross would have been in my childhood. At first, other boys at the day care would encourage me to show them my penis, which I did so willingly, and the action was frequently reciprocated. There were long gaps when we would be unsupervised after nap time, and the back yard gave us the makeshift privacy that we weren't really consciously looking for, considering we were all under 5 years old. The first time I saw an uncircumcised penis and understood that it looked different from mine was at the age of 3 or 4, it belonged to a little blond boy named Torren. As a child, I knew I was drawn to other boys, I wanted to spend time with them and make them feel good, obviously, I wasn't thinking about pounding or sucking until I hit puberty. Anyways, the other little boys would eventually start touching me, and I would touch them too, any boundaries I had quickly would disappear. As I got older, teen aged years led to me sneaking out of the house and meet my other teen boyfriend in the park, where we would kiss each other and jerk off, the "sex" would be over with after a few minutes, but it still felt satisfying I guess. Eventually I went away to college, and as soon as I did I got to go to 18 and over clubs, which is where I'm at now.

***

It was about 6 p.m. on Friday night and I was getting ready for Club Fuck. Normally, I just kind of blend in and I don't make an effort, but to be honest I'm really hot, and when I dress up I get a lot of attention. My body was still young and tight from running track, a high school past time that I was somehow responsible enough to keep up with even though my whole life got thrown out of balance from starting my life over (not that I wasn't grateful for getting to "start over" because I had been waiting my whole life to reinvent myself). I can still do 5 miles in 40 minutes, and I'm proud of my accomplishment. My upper body's not that great, but I'm toned, and when I wear a tight shirt it doesn't look cheesy, it just looks cute. I have pictures to prove it. Club Fuck is this cool, yet in the end incestuous club, and it's the hot place for guys to hook up at, of course it's in the gay ghetto, but in the end I feel grateful for places like this, as well as to the older generation who made it all possible. I hope they don't think us kids aren't grateful, because we really are. It was a lot harder for them to grow up, so I feel somewhat protective over the spaces they've created.

Anyways, I go to this club every Friday. In a lot of ways, it's been the highlight of my evening for the past 6 months, so much so that sometimes I won't do another night event that week, because that one night was satisfying enough. Who knows what I'll be all about next year, but right now I've got it all figured out. Sometimes it gets awkward, like if someone else is wearing the same article of clothing as me (although I usually look better, yeah and I mean it too) or I see more than 2 people in one night that I've had sex with. It just makes me feel like I have to put on a show, at the same time the need to show off comes with the feeling that it was just another boundary I wasn't supposed to cross. 'Is that going to be your look tonight?" my friend JR asked me. He was referring to my skinny black jeans, black Lacoste shoes, black tank top, and light brown fitted leather jacked I had on. I was applying blush- but that's the only makeup I wear, and it's only once in a while. It makes one look healthy and youthful, but really only looks good if you have good skin in the first place. Sometimes. I put Vaseline on the top of my cheekbones- it makes you look really refreshed. Beauty tips from me, your host, Ryan.

"Yeah, it's going to work," I replied with a smile. Simple usually looks best. We got in the car, and made our way to the club while smoking a joint on the way there, we got a parking spot not too far away, so we were already having good luck. I should say that I hooked up with JR once, but it was totally on accident, and totally oral, and it was when we were both really wasted and not really in our right minds. It didn't make our friendship weird, thank god, because we were both worried it would right away. Now, we just have each other's back and point each other in the right direction. Sometimes, one will pretend to be the other's boyfriend in case an undesirable or a party desperate tries to hit on one of us. And, ok, one time we did make out really hard in order to make this one guy jealous, but we're not going to go into that right now, because it's so trivial we basically forgot all about it.

We got in the club, got drinks, and all of a sudden I saw this one acquaintance I hooked up with a while ago, a one night stand. We waved to each other, ok, cool, it won't be weird. I always think how it's weird, and even sort of unnatural considering the boundaries we'd crossed with each other, yet we really didn't know anything about one another at all aside from basic information and names, and we obviously never felt a deep emotion together such as love. One thing that keeps me coming back to club trash each week it the music, and the DJ was really laying it down tonight. Loving it. As I was moving around on the floor, a cute guy started grinding on me. I was feeling it. and he put his hands around my waist, and stuck his fingers inside the elastic of my briefs, and felt the top of my pubes. I smiled, but I wasn't going home this with this one tonight, he had good features, but bad skin. I hate when that happens! I hope that, by the way, everybody knows that you can seriously catch that shit from people who I have it, so my advice to you is that you not rub your face on someone whose face is tore back. It's just called being health conscious, I mean your skin is your largest organ. But still, if a guy wants to touch me, I'll let it happen.

I'm looking for the love of my life, even though I know fairy tales really don't exist, and no matter how hard you try, nobody can be with you forever. But, you never know, I might find him here tonight, in the nightclub. I always keep my options open, because you never know when an opportunity will come, and that opportunity is your only chance. I saw a cute guy in the corner, he had a good smile and I was attracted to him. Ok, I never buy drinks for guys, but this one had a smile- cute and simple, it almost gave his face a delusional look. He looked like he was from middle America- dressed really normally. I like country boys, cause when they're hot they don't know it. "Hi, what's your name?"

"Jack," he replied. "It's a pleasure to meet you. What's yours?" he asked me.

"Ryan, but all my friends call me HB. Why am I telling you that?" I smiled and looked up and to the right, when you look down people think you have low self esteem. "I want to get you a drink, what do you like?" After we warmed up over mixed drinks, I thought to myself that if I were to go home with someone, it would be this guy. He just seemed so good natured, and he seemed sweet and gentle, also he was really physically affectionate- I mean it could have been the booze I got him, but he had a really natural way of touching me, and I let him put his hands under my shirt and feel my chest, abs, and let him tug on my nips. I always think to myself about how I would love you forever when I'm with a guy. Just don't leave me, and I'll love you forever. An hour later I was sure that I could never love a guy who claimed to be a gay christian. Next.

I'm always really attracted to black men. In the past, I have wondered if it was because I grew up around them a lot- I try to tell black men that I'm black too, that I'm a guy they could roll with, but they never really get it. It always backfires on me, and then people think I'm racist, when I'm really just culturally black. But yeah, I want to find a hot brother who is ghetto, sells drugs, shoots guns, but is always really sweet to me and calls me baby boi. So many boys, so little time. But I'll love you forever, you don't even have to say a single thing. I'll always be true. All of a sudden I saw the one. Not that one, the one. The one that matters. I'd been introduced to him before through a mutual friend, why couldn't I remember his name! That would have been convenient. "Hi, I met you a few weeks ago through Tyler. I'm Ryan, what was your name again?"

"Hey I was wondering if I was going to see you again. My name is Sam, better not forget it, because I'm going to be famous some day," he said with a smirk. I'm one of those people who if you are talking to me, and let me know that you're the shit, then that's seriously all I need. I'll never understand why people can't figure out how to be smooth, cause it's all about attitude. And sass. And it all comes from within. Within a few minutes we were on the floor, and his arms were around me like an octopus. We were grinding face 2 face, and kissing really hard, sometimes I think it's weird how I can know somebody for just a few minutes, and if I'm attracted to them, then I'll cross all sorts of boundaries with them and not give a fuck. This one had a really good face, and I'm really into faces. Sam hadn't shaved for a day or 2, and I love stubble. His skin was pretty dark, and really clear and smooth. His contrast would look good against my skin in pictures, but as I discovered with my previous relationship, when you start to make porn with the one you're dating, that means your relationship only has 2-3 months left in it, so I'm not going down that road again.

Sometimes, I just want to rub my face against another man's- it feels like sandpaper in a good way. It makes me hard. But yeah, Sam was a freak, and he could do all these ghetto moves, and if a guy can hold it down on the floor, then that of course means he'll be able to deliver in the bed. I found JR and told him he has to be designated driver, because I'm bringing this guy home tonight. On the ride home we made out the whole way in the back seat, while mounting each other, and feeling each other up (but only thru jeans). At this point my dick was so wet with precum that I noticed a small wet spot on my jeans even though they were black. I don't know what it is about black guys- maybe this long left over taboo about crossing a boundary that my white parents would not be proud of. Black dick is just so..... superior.

***

We got into my room, and Sam pulled his shirt over his head. I pushed him on my bed, and climbed on top of him, I was still wearing jeans and socks at this point, and he was still wearing pants. I kissed his neck, which soon turned into kissing his shoulders, and his inner biceps. Then I revisited his mouth, and didn't hold anything back. Guys often tell me kissing me is like having somebody eat their face, but it seems like when in doubt, be aggressive. His skin tone was dark and even, I wonder how he got such good skin. Hi wasn't as dark as Alek Wek, for example, but he was close- I wondered to myself if he was actually from Africa (or maybe his parents) because he had very striking features- maybe Chinese Jamaican? I couldn't find a single imperfection on his face. Maybe he drinks a lot of water. I wanted to suck his dick really bad. After kissing his stomach for about 2 seconds, I pulled off his cargo shorts and briefs, while I liked his urethral opening and tried to stick my tongue in it. Guys usually like it when I lick the dick slit. His dick was big and more importantly fat, which means I probably couldn't really deep throat it for more than a few seconds, and it also seemed too big to get fucked by it. I started sucking on his head, and he started to moan. He didn't let me suck on it for long, "Get your dick up here, I want to 69," he told me, and I was more than happy to oblige, cause 69ing is my favorite. We were blowing each other, and I stuck my thumb in his ass, and pushed up hard on his prostate, he was turning me on and I wanted to fuck this guy, cause he kept bringing me too close by sucking my dick.

We kept sucking on each other. I find a strange comfort in 69ing, I guess cause essentially everyone is being pleased. In many ways, its hard for me to cum, just cause when I'm doing shit to a guy's penis I end up focusing all my attention on that. I love dick and everything about it. I love how it smells, I love to bury my face in guy's nuts and really get a sense of him. This niggas shit smelled amazing, I made a quick mental note to make him let me keep his underwear, so I can smell him again later. We were laying on our sides, which eventually let me to being on top and sitting on his face. I was glad I took a shower this morning, and finished my digestion earlier in the day. You planned this whole thing, didn't you?

"Yeah babe, lick my hole. Lick that shit nigga." My nightstand was in reaching distance, so I pulled out my flesh light. They're so much more fun to play with when there's 2 guys instead of one. It feels good to fuck things, it's almost like having a threesome. I spat in it but it was already a little swampy from me using it last night, even though I cleaned it out. I put it over his penis and he got really vocal, taking his lips off my asshole. "You wanna fuck, nigga?" I asked. Of course he does, everyone wants to fuck. His dick was really big, and I kept it going with constant stimulation. The night thing about fucking a flesh light is that the fucking plastic shit can't give anyone aids, and doesn't play host to any viruses. Unlike human orifices, they aren't vectors. Ironically, all orifices are moist warm transitional zones. I thought about putting my penis inside Sam's tight chocolate hole. I wanted him to fuck me to. It's so fun being gay because there's not just one way to have sex, and you have to get creative right off the bat. There's a million things you can do to somebody to make them feel good. Or make them cry out in pain.

But right now, I was all about pleasing this hot black dick. I'm not a bottom but I always fantasize about getting gang banged by 7-8 black guys. Not as the only hole, but essentially the focal point of the orgy. I love black men, and I always get off on pleasing them. They're physically superior to white people, I guess I always noticed differences from living in 2 different worlds my whole life. Anybody who I get with, it's going to be interratial right off the bat. I kept using the flesh light on Sam's dick, taking it all the way down to his balls to get maximum stimulation. His cock would sometimes pop out the end, cause it was big and fat. I liked watching the head pop out the end, and would occasionally lick it. He fingered my hole white I sucked his dick in and out of my toy. He was also jerking me off, which is the easiest and fastest way to make me cum. Luckily, his motions were hitting more of the top of my dick instead of the frenulum on the underside. I wasn't going to cum super fast. "I love watching your cock fuck," I told him, cause I did. "It's really beautiful."

I pulled his dick out and threw the toy on the ground. We lined up side to side cause it's easier to cum that way. A 15 minute tumble in the sheets is usually gay sex (in my experience) unless ass fucking is involved, in which case the preparation and clean up add on that extra time. I'll probably just wait until I'm in a relationship, purely for the fact that I hate using condoms, but I'm still paranoid about sex killing me. I kept sucking his dick and fingering his a hole until he exclaimed, "Shit, I'm going to cum! I don't want to cum yet!" I ignored his pleas and deep throated his penis, he came a second later and I gagged on all the jizz, I tried to swallow it but a lot came spilling out of my face and onto his thighs. He jerked my dick off and stuck his tongue in my ass, and I ejaculated really quickly (I'm glad I took a shower before I went out, cause I was kid of swampy earlier in the day). A fat pool of jizz covered my stomach, and Sam put his fingers in it, rubbing it around my stomach, but I noticed he didn't taste it. After that, I needed a few minutes because I couldn't see, but he flipped around and kissed me for a little but, I love coming down after sex, even though it usually means I'll just be getting horny again and want to mess around even more.

"Thanks, I really needed that. You're so fucking hot, Sam," I said. Why was I thanking somebody for getting me off? I was totally feeling this brother, and I already thought a lot about him, even though I didn't really know anything about him... oops. I mean, I knew all the important details, like his name and basic information. But at that moment, all I was thinking about was more. More of this man in my life. "I really want to see you again, you're a perfect 10," I offered, hoping that he had some sort of interest in me (aside from the physical). I have a lot to offer someone, I wondered if he'd be the one.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Sam replied. My heart instantly broke. Why does this keep happening? All I want is to not be alone. Guys always see me as someone to have fun with, but not somebody to get with. I wish someone would hit it and stick with it.

"Why, what do you mean," I asked. Maybe he was just kidding. It's me, how can somebody not like me?

"You're really hot too, and there's a lot of amazing things about you, but I don't really see us dating or even really hooking up again. I mean, you seem like a great guy, don't get me wrong, but you've just got this reputation. What am I, guy 5,000? I find it hard to take you seriously." It wasn't like that! I wanted to love him. That's all I want, is that why it will never happen?

I've recently realized I'm someone who doesn't have any physical boundaries.