Ryan

I first started having sex when I was 16 years old, I guess it seems like the normal time for gay guys to have their first experience, whether it be with a friend, and older man, or whatever. Growing up, I was always alone, so I always yearned for closeness. I've always been hoping for love, but until that happens I just seem to fall into things. I've always been weak, in some ways I've seen myself as a victim throughout every life situation that I happen to go thru, and for some reason I think I just made that realization.

Anyways, when I was a kid growing up, I went to Sandcastle play center in __________, CA. I don't think it's around anymore, considering I'm a child of the 80s, and the woman who ran it was in her 50s at the time. She made me eat the crusts off my sandwiches, and I hated that bitch. I remember she made one foster kid who went there sit in the bathroom because she refused to smile. Her name was Phyllis Bartlet.

I guess the fist boundaries I ever started to cross would have been in my childhood. At first, other boys at the day care would encourage me to show them my penis, which I did so willingly, and the action was frequently reciprocated. There were long gaps when we would be unsupervised after nap time, and the back yard gave us the makeshift privacy that we weren't really consciously looking for, considering we were all under 5 years old. The first time I saw an uncircumcised penis and understood that it looked different from mine was at the age of 3 or 4, it belonged to a little blond boy named Torren. As a child, I knew I was drawn to other boys, I wanted to spend time with them and make them feel good, obviously, I wasn't thinking about pounding or sucking until I hit puberty. Anyways, the other little boys would eventually start touching me, and I would touch them too, any boundaries I had quickly would disappear. As I got older, teen aged years led to me sneaking out of the house and meet my other teen boyfriend in the park, where we would kiss each other and jerk off, the "sex" would be over with after a few minutes, but it still felt satisfying I guess. Eventually I went away to college, and as soon as I did I got to go to 18 and over clubs, which is where I'm at now.

***

It was about 6 p.m. on Friday night and I was getting ready for Club Fuck. Normally, I just kind of blend in and I don't make an effort, but to be honest I'm really hot, and when I dress up I get a lot of attention. My body was still young and tight from running track, a high school past time that I was somehow responsible enough to keep up with even though my whole life got thrown out of balance from starting my life over (not that I wasn't grateful for getting to "start over" because I had been waiting my whole life to reinvent myself). I can still do 5 miles in 40 minutes, and I'm proud of my accomplishment. My upper body's not that great, but I'm toned, and when I wear a tight shirt it doesn't look cheesy, it just looks cute. I have pictures to prove it. Club Fuck is this cool, yet in the end incestuous club, and it's the hot place for guys to hook up at, of course it's in the gay ghetto, but in the end I feel grateful for places like this, as well as to the older generation who made it all possible. I hope they don't think us kids aren't grateful, because we really are. It was a lot harder for them to grow up, so I feel somewhat protective over the spaces they've created.

Anyways, I go to this club every Friday. In a lot of ways, it's been the highlight of my evening for the past 6 months, so much so that sometimes I won't do another night event that week, because that one night was satisfying enough. Who knows what I'll be all about next year, but right now I've got it all figured out. Sometimes it gets awkward, like if someone else is wearing the same article of clothing as me (although I usually look better, yeah and I mean it too) or I see more than 2 people in one night that I've had sex with. It just makes me feel like I have to put on a show, at the same time the need to show off comes with the feeling that it was just another boundary I wasn't supposed to cross. 'Is that going to be your look tonight?" my friend JR asked me. He was referring to my skinny black jeans, black Lacoste shoes, black tank top, and light brown fitted leather jacked I had on. I was applying blush- but that's the only makeup I wear, and it's only once in a while. It makes one look healthy and youthful, but really only looks good if you have good skin in the first place. Sometimes. I put Vaseline on the top of my cheekbones- it makes you look really refreshed. Beauty tips from me, your host, Ryan.

"Yeah, it's going to work," I replied with a smile. Simple usually looks best. We got in the car, and made our way to the club while smoking a joint on the way there, we got a parking spot not too far away, so we were already having good luck. I should say that I hooked up with JR once, but it was totally on accident, and totally oral, and it was when we were both really wasted and not really in our right minds. It didn't make our friendship weird, thank god, because we were both worried it would right away. Now, we just have each other's back and point each other in the right direction. Sometimes, one will pretend to be the other's boyfriend in case an undesirable or a party desperate tries to hit on one of us. And, ok, one time we did make out really hard in order to make this one guy jealous, but we're not going to go into that right now, because it's so trivial we basically forgot all about it.

We got in the club, got drinks, and all of a sudden I saw this one acquaintance I hooked up with a while ago, a one night stand. We waved to each other, ok, cool, it won't be weird. I always think how it's weird, and even sort of unnatural considering the boundaries we'd crossed with each other, yet we really didn't know anything about one another at all aside from basic information and names, and we obviously never felt a deep emotion together such as love. One thing that keeps me coming back to club trash each week it the music, and the DJ was really laying it down tonight. Loving it. As I was moving around on the floor, a cute guy started grinding on me. I was feeling it. and he put his hands around my waist, and stuck his fingers inside the elastic of my briefs, and felt the top of my pubes. I smiled, but I wasn't going home this with this one tonight, he had good features, but bad skin. I hate when that happens! I hope that, by the way, everybody knows that you can seriously catch that shit from people who I have it, so my advice to you is that you not rub your face on someone whose face is tore back. It's just called being health conscious, I mean your skin is your largest organ. But still, if a guy wants to touch me, I'll let it happen.

I'm looking for the love of my life, even though I know fairy tales really don't exist, and no matter how hard you try, nobody can be with you forever. But, you never know, I might find him here tonight, in the nightclub. I always keep my options open, because you never know when an opportunity will come, and that opportunity is your only chance. I saw a cute guy in the corner, he had a good smile and I was attracted to him. Ok, I never buy drinks for guys, but this one had a smile- cute and simple, it almost gave his face a delusional look. He looked like he was from middle America- dressed really normally. I like country boys, cause when they're hot they don't know it. "Hi, what's your name?"

"Jack," he replied. "It's a pleasure to meet you. What's yours?" he asked me.

"Ryan, but all my friends call me HB. Why am I telling you that?" I smiled and looked up and to the right, when you look down people think you have low self esteem. "I want to get you a drink, what do you like?" After we warmed up over mixed drinks, I thought to myself that if I were to go home with someone, it would be this guy. He just seemed so good natured, and he seemed sweet and gentle, also he was really physically affectionate- I mean it could have been the booze I got him, but he had a really natural way of touching me, and I let him put his hands under my shirt and feel my chest, abs, and let him tug on my nips. I always think to myself about how I would love you forever when I'm with a guy. Just don't leave me, and I'll love you forever. An hour later I was sure that I could never love a guy who claimed to be a gay christian. Next.

I'm always really attracted to black men. In the past, I have wondered if it was because I grew up around them a lot- I try to tell black men that I'm black too, that I'm a guy they could roll with, but they never really get it. It always backfires on me, and then people think I'm racist, when I'm really just culturally black. But yeah, I want to find a hot brother who is ghetto, sells drugs, shoots guns, but is always really sweet to me and calls me baby boi. So many boys, so little time. But I'll love you forever, you don't even have to say a single thing. I'll always be true. All of a sudden I saw the one. Not that one, the one. The one that matters. I'd been introduced to him before through a mutual friend, why couldn't I remember his name! That would have been convenient. "Hi, I met you a few weeks ago through Tyler. I'm Ryan, what was your name again?"

"Hey I was wondering if I was going to see you again. My name is Sam, better not forget it, because I'm going to be famous some day," he said with a smirk. I'm one of those people who if you are talking to me, and let me know that you're the shit, then that's seriously all I need. I'll never understand why people can't figure out how to be smooth, cause it's all about attitude. And sass. And it all comes from within. Within a few minutes we were on the floor, and his arms were around me like an octopus. We were grinding face 2 face, and kissing really hard, sometimes I think it's weird how I can know somebody for just a few minutes, and if I'm attracted to them, then I'll cross all sorts of boundaries with them and not give a fuck. This one had a really good face, and I'm really into faces. Sam hadn't shaved for a day or 2, and I love stubble. His skin was pretty dark, and really clear and smooth. His contrast would look good against my skin in pictures, but as I discovered with my previous relationship, when you start to make porn with the one you're dating, that means your relationship only has 2-3 months left in it, so I'm not going down that road again.

Sometimes, I just want to rub my face against another man's- it feels like sandpaper in a good way. It makes me hard. But yeah, Sam was a freak, and he could do all these ghetto moves, and if a guy can hold it down on the floor, then that of course means he'll be able to deliver in the bed. I found JR and told him he has to be designated driver, because I'm bringing this guy home tonight. On the ride home we made out the whole way in the back seat, while mounting each other, and feeling each other up (but only thru jeans). At this point my dick was so wet with precum that I noticed a small wet spot on my jeans even though they were black. I don't know what it is about black guys- maybe this long left over taboo about crossing a boundary that my white parents would not be proud of. Black dick is just so..... superior.

***

We got into my room, and Sam pulled his shirt over his head. I pushed him on my bed, and climbed on top of him, I was still wearing jeans and socks at this point, and he was still wearing pants. I kissed his neck, which soon turned into kissing his shoulders, and his inner biceps. Then I revisited his mouth, and didn't hold anything back. Guys often tell me kissing me is like having somebody eat their face, but it seems like when in doubt, be aggressive. His skin tone was dark and even, I wonder how he got such good skin. Hi wasn't as dark as Alek Wek, for example, but he was close- I wondered to myself if he was actually from Africa (or maybe his parents) because he had very striking features- maybe Chinese Jamaican? I couldn't find a single imperfection on his face. Maybe he drinks a lot of water. I wanted to suck his dick really bad. After kissing his stomach for about 2 seconds, I pulled off his cargo shorts and briefs, while I liked his urethral opening and tried to stick my tongue in it. Guys usually like it when I lick the dick slit. His dick was big and more importantly fat, which means I probably couldn't really deep throat it for more than a few seconds, and it also seemed too big to get fucked by it. I started sucking on his head, and he started to moan. He didn't let me suck on it for long, "Get your dick up here, I want to 69," he told me, and I was more than happy to oblige, cause 69ing is my favorite. We were blowing each other, and I stuck my thumb in his ass, and pushed up hard on his prostate, he was turning me on and I wanted to fuck this guy, cause he kept bringing me too close by sucking my dick.

We kept sucking on each other. I find a strange comfort in 69ing, I guess cause essentially everyone is being pleased. In many ways, its hard for me to cum, just cause when I'm doing shit to a guy's penis I end up focusing all my attention on that. I love dick and everything about it. I love how it smells, I love to bury my face in guy's nuts and really get a sense of him. This niggas shit smelled amazing, I made a quick mental note to make him let me keep his underwear, so I can smell him again later. We were laying on our sides, which eventually let me to being on top and sitting on his face. I was glad I took a shower this morning, and finished my digestion earlier in the day. You planned this whole thing, didn't you?

"Yeah babe, lick my hole. Lick that shit nigga." My nightstand was in reaching distance, so I pulled out my flesh light. They're so much more fun to play with when there's 2 guys instead of one. It feels good to fuck things, it's almost like having a threesome. I spat in it but it was already a little swampy from me using it last night, even though I cleaned it out. I put it over his penis and he got really vocal, taking his lips off my asshole. "You wanna fuck, nigga?" I asked. Of course he does, everyone wants to fuck. His dick was really big, and I kept it going with constant stimulation. The night thing about fucking a flesh light is that the fucking plastic shit can't give anyone aids, and doesn't play host to any viruses. Unlike human orifices, they aren't vectors. Ironically, all orifices are moist warm transitional zones. I thought about putting my penis inside Sam's tight chocolate hole. I wanted him to fuck me to. It's so fun being gay because there's not just one way to have sex, and you have to get creative right off the bat. There's a million things you can do to somebody to make them feel good. Or make them cry out in pain.

But right now, I was all about pleasing this hot black dick. I'm not a bottom but I always fantasize about getting gang banged by 7-8 black guys. Not as the only hole, but essentially the focal point of the orgy. I love black men, and I always get off on pleasing them. They're physically superior to white people, I guess I always noticed differences from living in 2 different worlds my whole life. Anybody who I get with, it's going to be interratial right off the bat. I kept using the flesh light on Sam's dick, taking it all the way down to his balls to get maximum stimulation. His cock would sometimes pop out the end, cause it was big and fat. I liked watching the head pop out the end, and would occasionally lick it. He fingered my hole white I sucked his dick in and out of my toy. He was also jerking me off, which is the easiest and fastest way to make me cum. Luckily, his motions were hitting more of the top of my dick instead of the frenulum on the underside. I wasn't going to cum super fast. "I love watching your cock fuck," I told him, cause I did. "It's really beautiful."

I pulled his dick out and threw the toy on the ground. We lined up side to side cause it's easier to cum that way. A 15 minute tumble in the sheets is usually gay sex (in my experience) unless ass fucking is involved, in which case the preparation and clean up add on that extra time. I'll probably just wait until I'm in a relationship, purely for the fact that I hate using condoms, but I'm still paranoid about sex killing me. I kept sucking his dick and fingering his a hole until he exclaimed, "Shit, I'm going to cum! I don't want to cum yet!" I ignored his pleas and deep throated his penis, he came a second later and I gagged on all the jizz, I tried to swallow it but a lot came spilling out of my face and onto his thighs. He jerked my dick off and stuck his tongue in my ass, and I ejaculated really quickly (I'm glad I took a shower before I went out, cause I was kid of swampy earlier in the day). A fat pool of jizz covered my stomach, and Sam put his fingers in it, rubbing it around my stomach, but I noticed he didn't taste it. After that, I needed a few minutes because I couldn't see, but he flipped around and kissed me for a little but, I love coming down after sex, even though it usually means I'll just be getting horny again and want to mess around even more.

"Thanks, I really needed that. You're so fucking hot, Sam," I said. Why was I thanking somebody for getting me off? I was totally feeling this brother, and I already thought a lot about him, even though I didn't really know anything about him... oops. I mean, I knew all the important details, like his name and basic information. But at that moment, all I was thinking about was more. More of this man in my life. "I really want to see you again, you're a perfect 10," I offered, hoping that he had some sort of interest in me (aside from the physical). I have a lot to offer someone, I wondered if he'd be the one.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Sam replied. My heart instantly broke. Why does this keep happening? All I want is to not be alone. Guys always see me as someone to have fun with, but not somebody to get with. I wish someone would hit it and stick with it.

"Why, what do you mean," I asked. Maybe he was just kidding. It's me, how can somebody not like me?

"You're really hot too, and there's a lot of amazing things about you, but I don't really see us dating or even really hooking up again. I mean, you seem like a great guy, don't get me wrong, but you've just got this reputation. What am I, guy 5,000? I find it hard to take you seriously." It wasn't like that! I wanted to love him. That's all I want, is that why it will never happen?

I've recently realized I'm someone who doesn't have any physical boundaries.

Mark 2,475

It seems like just about everybody has got one question on their minds. Who's your daddy? I didn't get lucky when it comes to dads, and only recently have I given up the search, after a several year long run of searching for one. Will you be my daddy?

When I moved away from my parents house and went to college, I thought socializing would come easier. I'd been popular in high school, I've always been really grown up for my age. It's ironic that I still look 16 even though I'm almost 21 now, but that's not my fault. I can't help it if when I smile my eyes don't wrinkle. I'm not disingenuous, it's merely the biological architecture of my face that makes me look so stoic. That and I'm hard. But that's another story.

The truth is life is like high school all over again, but in different places. Sometimes I get scared and think that this is how life is going to be forever. I got involved with a man, for purposes of the story I'll just call him the lawyer.

***

It was late afternoon/early evening on a Thursday. That morning I had been stuck in a rather stressful physics lab- in short the measurements my group was getting were not what they should have been, and when the lab instructor tells you to just lie about the numbers I always feel defeated. It makes me feel like I won't be a good scientist. Anyways, I was at Starfucks picking up my drink, forgetting the frustrations of the a.m. hours and anticipating the many more frustrations that seem to come my way daily. I quickly sat down to text my room mate and call a friend back, when a clean cut attractive blond man sat down next to me at the small 2 person table. All of a sudden he locked eyes with mine. "Hi, I couldn't help but notice you from across the room, you got the same drink as me. My name's John. What's yours?"

"Kyle," I responded. My name is Mark, but I never tell anyone I just meet my real name. When I'm feeling receptive yet cautious, my mouth usually spits out Kyle. When I'm feeling sexy and powerful it's Buck, but that's another story (rhymes with fuck).

"Kyle, I think you're really beautiful. You're just so statuesque..."

"Actually, my name is Mark." I don't know why I lied to a clean looking guy like that, I mean he probably has money. "I just tell people my name is Kyle if I think they're sketchy." Did I mention that I don't trust anyone? Everyone I ever loved ended up dead, or betraying me on a fundamental level. I don't even trust myself to do the right thing. The lawyer laughed.

"What's so questionable about me? Do you think I'm going to take you home fuck you then kill you? Or kill you then fuck you. Mark is a cute name anyways, you should be proud of it." All of a sudden I started feeling this guy, anyone with a sense of humor is someone I want to know. Nobody can ever make me laugh! Laughing is all I want. Laughter and passionate sex. "Why don't I just call you golden boy, cause you're the one who has what everyone else wants."

I love how people think they can get you on their side through compliments, because it usually works, which meant that I had to pull a fast one. Gotta keep em guessing, I always say. "You're old enough to be my dad," I said. I wonder how this cocky old asshole is going to act now. I was surprised that only a few seconds had gone by in this conversation, yet it had already (indirectly) went straight to sex. I often wonder if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach or his dick.

"I am old enough to be your dad. But you're old enough to make your own decisions, and enter into legally binding contracts, so I think it's ok if I talk to you." I searched the man's face. Everyone just wants something from you, but what did think guy want from me? A challenge? Something young, beautiful, and pure that could be content to stand in someone's shadow and be a kept man? Cause I could so easily be that guy.

"So daddy, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"I'm a high powered attorney," He replied. "Basically I lie, cheat, and steal for sketchy people who have so much money it does nothing but cause them problems." So, basically he was telling me he's a tool. I love it when people's lives mean nothing yet on the surface they appear to be successful. "What career path are you looking to go down, buddy?" Was he being dismissive? I know I'm white trash, but it's never ok when other people remind me. It makes me competitive.

"I'm studying to be a scientist so I can cure AIDS," I replied. "I mean, that's on my list, but I really have so many more schemes up my sleeve." His face looked older, but strangely attractive. I'm sure when he was young this guy was a stud. He looks healthy, maybe in his early 30s, but it's hard to tell. I wanted to see what his dick looked like.

"Wow, that sounds really ambitious," the guy said with a smile. I couldn't help but automatically wonder if this man before me happened to be HIV positive. I mean, I had just been socialized to expect that the generation before me is basically 100% pos. At the same time, I didn't mean to be abrasive to someone who could potentially benefit me. Stop acting like a bitch for no reason Mark, you're not in the club hooking up with another sweaty white trash nothing, this guy might be loaded. Act cute and smile, don't be negative. Tell them what they want to hear.

"It just makes me sad that we've already lost so many special gay people. I want to make sure it ends with me. More difficult things have been done than find a cure." The sad fact is what I was saying really was true. I love to get preachy, it makes me feel assertive.

"That really touches my heart. I've lost a lot of people close to me already. When I was goring up it was a very different time- there were not gay people on TV, or in political power. Back then, your friends were your family, so it made it so much harder to loose people. I've already been to too many funerals. Sex isn't supposed to kill." This personal anecdote was making this guy grow on me, even though I didn't really know why.

"Well, in case you are, you can always pay me to cure it, I already figured out a way to regrow an immune system." People always think I'm being facetious, when I'm trying to be real.

"I guess I just happened to get lucky. That's what other people tell me, that I'm lucky for being negative, but since I've seen so many people die I'm left to wonder if I actually am lucky. I've had a lot of sex, just not with a lot of people." Just because he was telling me that didn't make it true. Another post modern dilemma. I knew where this was going.

"Hey it's such a nice day, and we're so close to the beach. Do you want to go for a walk?" I offered. I had a feeling this one had beach front property."

"Yeah, let's go for a ride in my car. I live really close to the beach anyways. It's a Friday night, after all." What was that supposed to mean? Did he want to go to tiger heat with me, cause I wouldn't be caught dead in a public place with this guy, what would other people think? Basically, that he's my sugar daddy and I'm a gold digger, and I'm not. I can make my own way through this world, thank you very much. Mo money, mo problems, isn't that what Tupac said?

***

It was about 8 p.m. and the rusty crimson sky behind the flawless Malibu shoreline had just began to turn red from yellow. How did I get here, and why am I hanging out in a beach front mansion? I'm just another nothing from the inland empire. It's not like I let people know that, but it's the sad, broken truth. What about when this guy tries to get fresh with me? Am I supposed to oppose someone who is "powerful" and my second most pressing question- what is wrong with this guy? On the surface he seems perfect, which means that there's something fundamentally flawed underneath the exterior. Does he have a dungeon in the basement full of all sorts of terrible things he plans on doing to me?

"You told me you like jagermeister," he said, handing me a drink. I was surprised he remembered such a minor detail from our "romantic walk on the beach" which consisted of him asking me about myself and me talking about myself. I think he could tell that I'm guarded, which I am, but I will reveal anything about myself if somebody just asks. I'm so not mysterious, I wish I could answer questions with questions and be untouchable and exotic.

"I'm surprised that you remembered," I replied.

"Actually, I remember everything you told me. You were born a few days after me surprisingly, only in 1986, which makes me 19 years older than you- in short old enough to be your father. Your real father fucked you as a child, then disappeared for good when you were in your early teens. Your mom was a tool, but you can't help loving her, same as most gay boys. People used to make fun of you, and you were really unpopular until you turned 16, and became super hot, which made you humble, even though I'd go out on a limb and call you a diva. Your favorite movie is Hackers, and your favorite drink is jagermeister. You have no religious views, and find christianity to be a cult, which is is. You've been registered with the green party since you've been able to vote. You want to get rid of all the pollution through bioaugmenting single celled organisms, among other things. Your favorite color is yellow, and you have a pet rat named Cher. You want to be as famous as Madonna. Do you want me to go on?" Was this guy a psychic vampire, and trying to steal all my energy? Maybe I reminded him of himself at a much younger age. Why did he care enough to remember?

"Wow, I'm surprised you were listening that entire time, now I wish I hadn't disclosed so much information. In fact, you know too much, so now I have to kill you." The lawyer laughed. It makes me feel good when other people like my dark sense of humor- it's the only way for me, I just can't help hating slapstick. Why doesn't everyone have a dark sense of humor- have then never been through shit before or not? It seems like the darker the sense of humor, the worse the person suffered. "Well, let me rack my brain about your past. You grew up on the east coast to a wealthy family, then got shuffled through systems, institutions, and avenues of affluence that were pre set up for white men until you arrived in law school, where you schmoozed your way into a position of power using a combination of good looks and good personality." Should I go there? Yeah, I think I should. "But at the end of the day, you're left alone. Your heart holds deep sadness, because you know at the end of the day, your life is just as meaningless as the Mexican woman who cleans your toilet. You haven't done anything to make the world a batter place, in fact you have used your intelligence and hard work to nothing aside from preserve money to the upper class in our unequal, stratified society. You've always wanted it all, but somehow you've managed to amass such a large amount of wealth that you now realized nobody will ever love you for you, and any guy you get with will only be after one thing- your money. So, you try to find wholeness through working out, traveling, and telling yourself you're very fulfilled, that you have everything, and your life is perfect. Does this sound like an accurate read?"

His eyes were dark, and if they were seeing inside his brain. "How do you know so much?" was all he could say. I would try to explain my psychic powers, but I knew that would just come out sounding a little too new age, and that's not even me cause I'm an abercrombie and fitch kind of guy in the first place.

"Well, there's a million guys like me in the world, guys with big dreams and lofty ambitions that we both know are never going to really materialize. But, just like there's a million guys like me, there's a million guys like you too. You're not a unique person, in spite of not being average. Our brains are just running on scrips and schemas, we're both playing a role. Didn't I mention my theory about how life is one big reality TV episode?"

"I really want to kiss you, Mark. I don't think you're white trash. You're a really cool guy." That's what they all say. His mouth latched onto my fat lower lip and he sucked gently. It was the end of the day on a Friday, and his face was stubbly, which felt good. I wondered if he was going to shave in the morning, or if I would even be in this house when it was morning. Why do I insist on reliving my childhood issues over and over? Was this guy going to feed me, because all I had since breakfast was starfucks, and I was really hungry and basically broke until Tuesday (I had been scouring my college apartment for saltines).

To make a long story short, I messed around with the lawyer too many times that I fell in love, and it really hurt me when he wouldn't try to take the next step with me. Our whole sex life consisted of us kissing, and him touching me or sucking my dick, it was pretty one sided. Maybe I should have been more open, it seemed like he didn't get off on the idea of molesting me.